It’s Christmas Eve Eve and I’m not at all excited. This year is different. It’s sad.
I lost my grandmother in March. She was 96 years old and it was her time to go. But I wasn’t prepared. You can never be prepared. This is the first Christmas without her and everything is different.
One of our traditions for Christmas Eve (I’ll talk more about it tomorrow) is that dinner/celebration is held at the house where the oldest family member resides (the matriarch/ patriarch of the family). For my family, that meant Christmas Eve dinner always took place at my house since my grandmother lived with us.
Not only is this Kūčios (Lithuanian Christmas Eve) heartbreaking but it’s also a little pathetic. This is the smallest gathering of people I’ve ever bore witness to on Christmas Eve. It will be my parents and I and then my cousin, her husband, and their two kids. My uncle who usually joins us is with her two other daughters and their children in Florida this year. And my other aunt and favorite cousin/closest thing I have to a brother are in Kentucky this year. Seven people for Christmas Eve dinner. It’s awful. Without those other three people here, it’s just a stark reminder of my grandmother’s death. I don’t mean to sound so whiny but I’m bitter and sad.
For some perspective, when I was growing up, all three cousins from Worcester & their significant other would be here, my uncle, aunt & 4 kids (and their significant others if they had one) would come down, plus my other aunt and cousin, and even sometimes, my aunt & uncle from Chicago would be here. It was a lot of people. And even if they weren’t actually here for Kūčios, we would have a Christmas party on the 26th for us all. So I’m just used to A LOT of people in my house around Christmas. That’s why I’m so sad that only four people are joining us.
But besides all that, I’m very aware of the lack of my grandmother’s presence. Decorating the tree, I found some of her ornaments and decorations for her room and got all teary.
I’m just over all not feeling very happy this season. It’s a hard adjustment to all these changes.
Thanks for listening to me vent, guys. I know this isn’t my normal type of post.